schu

There were shades of Toad of Toad Hall on Sunday, with Ross Brawn playing the part of Badger and Michael Schumacher playing the part of the roadhogging Toad – poop poop.

In Kenneth Graham’s Wind in the Willows, Badger takes the feckless Toad aside and tries to get him to mend his ways and give up his maniacal driving, but Toad’s having none of it. Using his extensive contacts in Formula One Management, Andrew Davies has managed to obtain the verbatim transcript of the Mercedes radio transmissions from Sunday.

Engineer: Michael, we’re concerned you might get a penalty for blocking.

Michael: Why?

Engineer: Because Race Control just warned us you were blocking.

Michael: Blocking? Why – it’s my own team-mate?

Engineer: No, it’s Hamilton. That yellow helmet is Hamilton not Nico.

Michael: Oh (pause) I can’t see anything in my mirrors.

Engineer: Are the mirrors broken?

Michael: No, somebody has stuck a nice photo of Kobayashi in the left mirror and Petrov in the right mirror.

Engineer: Can you repeat that?

Michael: Only joking – hang on a second, we’re coming up to Ascari …Yes! And again he fails to take The Schum! Get in there mein Sohn!

Engineer: Michael, you have to stop blocking.

Michael: We are having a nice battle.

Engineer: Charlie doesn’t see it that way.

Michael: You know I wonder if I can get him onto the grass this lap…

Engineer: If you don’t stop blocking I’m going to get Ross.

Michael: Not listening!

Ross: Michael, this is Ross. You have to leave room for Lewis at Ascari

Michael: There is plenty of room.

Ross: You need to leave a car’s width of tarmac, not just a car’s width between yours and the barrier.

Michael: This really is a nice lot of fun.

Ross: Michael, you have to leave Lewis room, if you collide-

Michael: He’ll get the blame. He always gets the blame for everything. It won’t be a problem.

Ross: We had enough trouble with Rubens last year.

Michael: Schum, Schum, Schum Schum, Schuuuuuuuuuum!

Ross: If you don’t move over I’ll tell people about 1994.

Michael: Er…you know, I think my tyres are going off